Sunday, April 7, 2013

And I Saw That It Was Not Good.

Dear “Rabbi” Maccabee (or should I say Levin?),

Boychic, you have issues. I still can’t seem to understand your motivation to damage unless it is to rid your world of those who would defy your Messiah-ness. Before the Gurionic War you at least seemed conscious of your conscious, which being you, you named Adonai. This must be so or else your premise that God cannot read thoughts is false, for according to you, “he” told your mind no a few times. Do you still hear from him, or did the start and continuance of your war silence the need for his voice? Too bad Adonai didn’t tell you no before you palm-slapped Botha’s kidney.

The more I consider your ramblings, the more I really question if any of it happened the way you perceive it did (or if it really happened at all). We have the disadvantage of this scripture being written almost entirely from your own perspective. What would your ema and aba say? Your ema surely could not have been blind to your violent tendencies or else she would not have hidden them from your aba; after all, she, a mental health expert, taught you how to fight. You know, considering that your mother was fully capable of damaging, I wonder why no females—Israelite or not—were ever given a copy of Ulpan or The Instructions or whatever you call it now. 

Some of my skepticism about your honesty is as follows. Firstly, I have made a penny gun. After numerous uses, my balloon developed holes that deteriorated its usefulness. If your soldiers were using these weapons so frequently in the siege on the school, should they not also have had back up balloons, especially when considering the use of nibs? Also, try as I might, no quarter I have found is small enough to fit through the nipple of my gun. I wonder what kind of quarters your soldiers were using. Secondly, you cannot even agree about whether or not you killed Desormie. Your description of the incident and the camera footage indicate you could not possibly have done it, yet you believe you did; you tell people you did. Further, if any teacher would die by your nib or penny, would not it have been Botha? You didn’t like Desormie; you despise Botha. If your D hadn’t been A’d by Botha when he barred the Side of Damage from seeing Main Man sing, you might not have started the Gurionic War. You may have been at war all your life, but I disagree with you about when The War started. You went over the edge the moment you attacked Botha. And speaking of Main Man, why didn’t you let him sing to the school before implementing your plan of attack? I thought you liked Scott? Thirdly, the banging of your head on the desk is what caused you to attack Botha, so why did you not explode when you touched your forehead to Vincie’s toward the end of the assault in the gym? And how do you sleep at night? Fourthly, the “11/17 miracle”? Really?

After 1030 pages, I am still confused as to what exactly you are instructing scholars to do: damage, damage, and more damage? You must be confused as well, as your scripture becomes less lucid as the reading progresses, culminating in a rather condescending coda wherein you exhort your scholars to protect June (from what?) and not to be obsessed with minutiae. Really Adam…I mean Gurion? Legitimate questions about the outcome and aftermath of 17 November are not minutiae. Apparently the only minutia that is worthwhile is yours or else your scripture need not have been so long, no?

I must admit that you have mastered the ability to convey your megalomania. It is brilliant. And I saw that it was not good.


PS: Today, I attempted to shoot sharpened number 2 pencils with my penny gun; this worked much better.

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